I Want To Live Before I Die
by ALC Punk!

It always amazed Starbuck that she could remember those months with Zak with such clarity. He'd been the only person who'd ever consistently called her bluff. She used to think he could see everything about her.

The light, the dark. And he accepted all of it.

::Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb.::

It should have just been frakking. Just sex. But he loved her. She could feel it in the way his hands mapped her body. Gentle kisses pressed here and there until she wanted to cry from need (nownownownow), and he broke her effortlessly.

She didn't cry at his funeral.

::Without a soul my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold::

The first few weeks on Galactica were hard. Harder than getting into the Academy, harder than letting Zak pass, harder than lying to him.

She kept expecting to see his smile, kept looking for it at odd moments. She'd turn from doing something, just to tell him he was an ass, or cute, or that she loved him (but Starbuck doesn't believe in love, so that part's a lie anyway).

And it was a shock not to see him.

Then she'd remember, and she'd wonder if the guilt was worse than the grief.

::Until you find it there and lead it back home.::

"Hey, you're Starbuck, aren't you?"

The engaging grin caught her attention first, and Kara found herself smiling at the kid--young man. Later, she'd be certain he was a man. "That's what they call me, honey."

"Hey. I'm Zak. Zak Adama."

And she had to grin at the way he almost bounced like a puppy, and shake his hand. "Nice to meet you, Zak Adama."

"Gods, this is so exciting! Meeting the Starbuck my brother talks about all the--"

"Don't believe everything he says, Zak. About half of what comes out of Apollo's mouth is a blatant lie." But she was grinning that devil-may-care grin that had gotten her into SO much trouble during the years. And he was smiling back.

::Wake me up inside; call my name and save me from the dark::

"Of course I don't believe everything I've heard."

The words were said against her skin while he slid along it, making her ache with tension. "That's good."

"You might be the legendary Starbuck, but you're also just a girl." His fingers slid into her. "My girl."

She wanted to object, but she couldn't breathe.

::Bid my blood to run; Before I come undone; Save me from the nothing I've become::

The second time he made her cry out in orgasm, she was lost to everything. Sight, sound, life, death--and then he was kissing her gently, hands sliding up her body to cup her face.

"Shhh, Kara. Shhh."

A shiver passed through her, and she kissed him hungrily, dragging his hands away, scraping her nails down his body, rolling him, claiming him.

He chuckled as she sat there, poised. "Liked that, did you?"

"Shut up."

::Now that I know what I'm without you can't just leave me::

It took her six months to realize what she was doing. Helo called her on it, one morning. Grabbed her by the arm and shoved her into the wall. "You can't replace him, Starbuck."

"Frak you."

"Been there, done that, remember?"

She wanted to buck his arm off her throat, but there wasn't anything left to fight with.

"Hey." His hand touched her cheek. "You're Starbuck. You'll survive."

They never spoke of it again.

::Breathe into me and make me real::

"I love you."

He couldn't hear her, of course. She said the words to the stars, floating in her viper over Caprica while the rest of the squadron flirted with each other, dancing about like a badly-corerographed ballet. Half-drunk with themselves for getting the new viper mark sevens.

::Bring me to life::

The man beneath her didn't even have a name. At least, she couldn't remember it. She was so drunk, she wasn't even sure of her own name. Not that it mattered. He didn't make her cry out, he barely made her come.

She rolled over and slept on the edge of the bed.

::I've been living a lie; There's nothing inside::

They'd dragged Helo's new pilot down to Caprica for a night on the town. All of them ended up at Mags, half-drunk and giggly as hell.

Boomer got sick on their way back to the transport, and the others gathered around her, laughing and joking. Starbuck slipped to the side and leaned against an alley wall, remembering nearly this exact scene too many months ago.

::Frozen inside without your touch, without your love, darling::

A group of undergrads and one flight instructor was a recipe for trouble. Especially when one of them was the vaunted Starbuck.

Young Karrie was a little the worse for wear, but no one noticed (least of all Kara, who had her mouth full of Zak, leaning against an alley wall) until she suddenly doubled-up, losing her dinner in the gutter.

There was laughter, then, and the two lovers were jerked back to reality by one of the others tugging at them.

Zak gave her an apologetic grin, and then went to help his rackmate. Kara just smiled and leaned into the wall. It had been a good night. A great night, full of Mags' best booze and more linguini than you could shake a raptor at.

::Only you are the life among the dead::

The alley hadn't changed much, and she wondered if she closed her eyes whether Zak would be there again. Laughing and smiling, and loving life.

It was what had always attracted her to him. He took life by the horns and just lived it, loved it, never looked back. Never stopped to worry that he was doing the wrong thing.

Starbuck had never had that luxury. She always knew when she was doing the wrong thing. That was why she frakked Helo, and Hardtop, and half a million others whose names she couldn't remember. It was why she got drunk until she passed out, why she played so dangerously, why her flying cuts so close to being suicidal.

They say she's just a daredevil.

::All of this time, I can't believe I couldn't see::

She misses the easy camaraderie of the Academy.

Not that Galactica isn't full of joking and camaraderie, but sometimes she thinks it's nothing like when she was innocent.

They're all pilots, been through the fires of graduation, of getting their first postings. They're not students or cadets, running from one class to the next trying to memorize tactics and flight styles and still make it to that night's party.

::Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me::

But she doesn't plan on dying anytime soon. That would be the coward's way out, and she has yet to pay for her sins.

It takes time for her to understand why Commander Adama never censures her (despite the odd brig visit). And the feeling is so subtle that she doesn't realize how deep the old man gets under her skin until it's far too late to do more than admire him. And wonder if he'd kill her himself if he knew the truth.

::I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems::

She sometimes wakes and remembers turning into him, kissing him even though they both tasted of meths and ash.

At one time, she'd jokingly said that it meant there was love involved.

"Or at least tolerance?" He'd asked.

She'd laughed, "Maybe I like you a little, Zak."

"Just a little?" The pout was cute, she'd had to give him that.

"Mmm. Maybe more than a little."

::Got to open my eyes to everything::

"I love to watch you."

"You love to watch me?"

"Yes."

"I didn't think I was that intriguing."

"You're beautiful."

"Now there's a line if I ever heard one."

He wasn't laughing.

::Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul::

She never cried. After all, she was Starbuck, and Starbuck doesn't cry. She lived in the mantle day in and day out until she forgot that Kara lived underneath the veneer of Starbuck. She was racous and loud and rebellious.

And Kara Thrace sat in a corner and wondered when she'd lost her right to speak.

::Don't let me die here, there must be something more::

And now there is nothing but silence. The clouds of the storm all around her, and her own echoing thoughts. How could she have told him? Admitted the secret that's wrapped around her like a cloak for two years?

She just blurted it out, and now Lee Adama knows who's truly responsible for his brother's death.

Kara tries to convince herself she told him to heal the rift between father and son. It tears at them both and catches her in the middle.

But she knows that isn't true as she breaks through and stares at the massed Cylons.

Starbuck told Apollo because she needed to be absolved of all her sins.

::Bring me to life::

"Hey, I'm Zak. Zak Adama."

He always believed in her. Now she has to believe in herself.

Galactica is calling, and she has to head home. To bring the bad news. The Cylons are out there, and they've got big, nasty, pointy teeth.

Starbuck's world is destroyed.

But she's about to live again.

-f-

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© 2005 ALC Punk!