OK. Before everyone even gets annoyed at me, I ASKED Hellions. He said it was ok. I EVEN emailed the end result to him already.

Also, I've seen less than five eps of MST3K. Cave Dwellers, Manos, the Movie and two others I don't recall much... So, any inaccuracies can be laid at that door. Whhhat? I don't HAVE cable!

Disclaimer: not mine, not mine...

Dedication: To Kielle and Greg Newcombe. You've both given me lots of laughs and inspiration. So, thanks! :)

MST3K: 300 Words

Original by Hellions Pizza
MSTing by ALC Punk!

[Satellite of Love]

The 'bots sit on the desk mumbling to each other. In the background you can see Joel munching on a slice of pizza.

Tom: So, tell me Crow, would you really like pizza if you could eat it?
Crow: Probably not.
Tom: Ah. Well, then. Hey, Joel! Can we have some pizza?

Joel looks up.

Joel: Well, you guys are robots, I don't think you can *eat* pizza.
Tom: Aw, Joel--

Gypsy comes cruising in, humming.

Gypsy: Anyone seen my Marcus Cole poster?
Crow: It's--

Mads light flashes.

Joel: Later, Palin and Cleese are calling.

He smacks the button.

[Deep Thirteen]

Frank and Dr. Forrester are perched on a bench next to each other, talking softly. A Tarot spread is laid out on the table in front of them.

Dr. Forrester: Yes, Frank, I've always--

He spots the open comlink.

Dr. F: Ah, hello Boobies. Today's fanfic is a nice little short by one Hellions Pizza.

[SOL]

Joel: Oh no.
Tom: It can't be that bad.
Crow: Yes it can.

[Deep13]

Dr. F: It doesn't matter. Frank, press the button.

Frank is contemplating the Tarot card in his hand.

Frank: I really think that this and the Death reversed mean--
Dr. F: Do I have to do *everything* myself?

[SOL]

Joel: I see you've discovered the joy of Tarot cards.

[Deep13]

Dr. F: Yes. Frank was just giving me a lovely little reading. I found out some--Frank! Send them the fanfic!
Frank: Yes, sir.

He pushes the button.

[SOL]

Joel: We've got--
'bots: FANFIC SIGN!

All run around madly as sirens go off.

[Door sequence 6.5.4.3.2.1. Theatre]

>Date: Sun, 05 Sep 1999 01:03:43 -0400

Joel (sepulchural): It was the last time they ever saw them... That final... Sunday.

>From: Chris > | Block address

Tom: Yes, I'd like to block address.
Joel: If only that meant we wouldn't get this fanfic.

> To: outsidethelines@Mailing-List.net

Crow: Wow.

> Subject:

Tom: Verb and predicate nouns.
Crow: Is that present or past tense?

> [OTL]: [Monet] 300 Words

Joel: To say I love youooooo.

> Reply-to:

Crow: No one.

> outsidethelines@Mailing-List.net
> Add Addresses

Joel: That would be a big NO!

>It's late and i really needed to write something, so here it is.

Tom: And I can't think of anything good to write, so...

>*Disclaimer*

Crow: Any sex in this fanfic--
Joel: Crow!


>Monet, Emma, and Jubilee are all owned by Marvel

Tom: Princess, Queen and Peon.
Joel: And Bankrupt.

>Pudding is owned Jello Corporation

Crow: It's finger-licking good!
Joel: No no, that's Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Crow: Not with what *I'd* do with the pudding.
Tom: Oh, yes, would this have anything to do with the chocolate on--
Crow: No.

>300 Words
by Hellions Pizza

Tom: You know, there's really not MUCH you can say to a name like that.
Crow: So we only have to read 300 words? Coool.

>Dear Ms. Frost;

Crow: I really enjoyed the time we spent together last night. Hope we can do this again, signed, Sean Cassidy.
Joel: CROW!
Crow: What? Everyone knows they were doing it.
Tom: He's right.

> You recently informed me, Monet St. Croix,

Tom: But I thought it was MONET writing the essay? At least, that's what was implied...
Joel: Don't try to logic it out.

>must write an essay for you, Emma Frost, that would explain the wrongness of

Joel: Redundancy.
Tom: Repetition.
Crow: And saying the same thing.

>recent acts I committed.

Crow: Myself to an asylum, hope you're all happy back at the mansion.
Tom: Give my regards to Broadway!

>You requested that it be kept under 300 hundred words, so

Joel: Buttons.
Crow: Obscure, there.

> I'll be a brief

Crow: I'd like to get into Emma's briefs!
Joel: *sigh* That was lame.
Tom: Yeah. I'd prefer Paige's briefs, myself.
Joel: TOM!

>as possible. But before I get into the wrongness of recent acts committed

Joel: Why are acts being committed?

>by me I must say that I'm apposed

Tom: Applied opposition?

>that I is being forced to write this essay.

Joel: It's too easy, let it slide.

> You requested that I write this essay because acts I've committed. But you yourself have committed less sterling

Crow: They were golden graham acts.

>acts and gone unpunished. What type of hypocrisy are you trying to push upon us. You say for us to be moral and

Crow: Always wear white leather.
Tom: And four-inch heeled boots.
Joel: With feather boas and a duster.

>ethical, yet you yourself are not. I must speak out about this hypocrisy, but that would be getting off topic.

Joel: (Monet as Valleygirl) And I *so* wouldn't, like, wanna do, like, that, ya know?

> For these wrong doings I've committed, you have decided that an essay would be ample

Joel: Don't say it, Crow.
Crow: What?
Joel: Breasts.
Tom: Uh, Joel...

>punishment. But this sort of punishment is useless.

Tom (singing): All my useless advice, all my bringing you down...
>For committing this act you have alleged me of doing, and then giving me this punishment, you are warping my ideals.

Joel: So, the white leather and bondage every night isn't?

>You are giving me the idea that if I were to commit these acts that all I'd be punished with was a measly 300 word essay. I could go

Crow: (singing) Darling you've got to let me know, should I stay or should I go?

>elaborate on how ineffective this type of discipline is

Tom: And how inefficient my proofing skills are.

>but that would be getting off topic.

Joel: And we wouldn't--Hey...
Crow: Repetition is good.
Tom: NOT!

> Finally, I must argue that I was given no fair trial for these alleged acts I've committed.

Tom: Since when are trials in the Marvel universe FAIR?
Crow: Well, Magneto's was supposed to be fair. After all, he gave himself up and--
Tom: Yeah, but what about--
Joel: Faaaaaaaaaannnnnnboooooooyyyyyyyys!

>There was no investigation, and no witnesses to say I committed these acts. Also, the victim has a strong dislike for me, and has a history of committing such acts. Perhaps she is framing me?

Joel: (Art Critic) Viewing the surrealism embodied by this framed girl...

>I could tell you more about why

Crow: (singing) Can't I be you?

>I think she is framing me, but that would be getting off

Joel: Don't even say it, Crow.
Crow: It.

>topic and I've used all of my 300 words.

Tom: Oh, good. Joel, if you'd be so kind?
Joel: It's not over.
Tom: Damn.

> Sincerely your student

Joel: I thought she disdained being their student?

> Monet St Croix

Crow: (Monet) Self-appointed moral officer.

>Very well written essay Monet.

Tom: (Emma) I'm, of course, lying through my teeth, but Sean told me I couldn't be hard on you.

>You brought up some interesting points,

Joel: Which are very sharp, so I promptly dropped them.


>but you still didn't explain why it was wrong to dump chocolate pudding Jubilee's bed.

Crow: Oooh, Chocolate-covered--
Joel: Mr. T Robot, one more word...
Tom: Paige!

>I expect another essay written, this time 300 or longer.

Crow: 300 inches?
Joel: Is it an...evil essay?

> Your amused teacher
Emma Frost

Tom: Part-time cashier at Wally's Water park.
>***********

Joel: He xxed out a lot of profanity, there.
Tom: That was lame.
Joel: You're right. Crow?
Crow: The... stars... are so... bright out... here.

>There you have it, another little piece of insanity brought to you by the letter F, the number 8, and Christopher Walken.

Tom: (singing) on sunshine, whooa, I'm walking on sunshine...

>Send feedback, flames, and dead sealife to Zuckus-5@erols.com

Crow: Oh, good. Hey, Tom, you still have the url for that child-pornography agency?
Tom: The one to report offenders to? Yes.

[Exeunt Theatre]

[Bridge of the SOL]

Joel and the 'bots are sitting and all three are munching what appears to be pizza.

Tom: So, you think the Mads're gonna send another one?
Crow: As long as it isn't a Monet essay, I'll be happy. This is good pizza by the way, Joel.
Joel: Oh, thanks. I just thought if I added a little oil and some nuts and bolts--

Mads' light flashes.

Joel: Ah, well. Bruce and Lara are calling.

He hits the button.

[Deep Thirteen]

Frank is looking at a Gandalf spread, Dr. F looks on, his face twisted in slight concern.

[SOL]

Joel: Do you think Frank could tell us our future?

[Deep13]

Dr.F: No. He's exclusively telling mine.

[SOL]

Joel: Isn't that a little bit selfish?

[Deep13]

Dr.F: Yes. And what are you going to do about it? NOTHING! Bwhahahaha! Push the button, Frank.
Frank: I think this really is a good sign. The Ten of Cups reversed is always significant.
Dr.F: Frank, the button. Oh, never mind. I'll do it myself.

He turns to Joel and the 'bots again.

[SOL]

Dr.F: Until next time, boobies.

End.

Again, MST3K belongs to Best Brains Inc, and maybe others, dunno. Monet and Emma and Sean belong to Marvel. Thanks again to Hellions Pizza for allowing this and to the kitten for scratching my legs and being cute. Keep circulating the tapes.

>I think she is framing me, but that would be getting off

---- Back

Contact Me

© 1999 ALC Punk!